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The death of a baby during or shortly after pregnancy is still a taboo subject. Several prominent women are now making their grief public.
“After changing his diaper, I felt an excruciating spasm. I collapsed with him in my arms, humming a song to calm us both down; the cheerful melody was in stark contrast to my feeling that something was wrong. I knew as I held my first child that I was losing the second. “
What Duchess Meghan describes in an essay for the New York Times on Tuesday is something millions of women experience every year: the loss of a child during pregnancy. Studies show that one in four pregnant women undergoes a so-called early abortion, meaning she loses the embryo in the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. The risk decreases later in pregnancy, but late miscarriages or stillbirths are by no means uncommon.
But the topic is still taboo. Meghan, who already has a one-year-old son Archie with Prince Harry, is one of the few celebrity women who have made public the shock and grief of losing an unborn baby.
39-year-old Meghan says in the “New York Times” that the first path to healing could begin with the words, “How are you?” This is what she and her husband Harry would have wondered many times after the loss of their baby in July.
Meghan Markle, pictured here in November 2018, was pregnant for the second time and lost her baby, as she writes in the New York Times.
I would like to add here that listening to the other person and their empathy and sincere interest also play an important role in healing.
Most conversations start with “How are you?”. But the questioner often expects a chatter response such as “good, good” or “stress at work” or, at best, “my sciatica is killing me”. One would be less prepared for an answer like “I am so sad because my pregnancy is over”, “I am bleeding and I have cramps because I have a miscarriage” or “My child is dead”.
Especially when pregnancy ends at an early stage, often not even the people closest to the pregnant woman discover the loss. If the tummy was already visible and the baby dies in the womb or was born prematurely, that’s different. But not often friends and family are willing to take the pain of their parents and just listen. Presumably well-meaning statements like “You can have a new baby” – like you just wrecked a car that can be replaced – or “Time heals all wounds” are like a slap in the face for most mourners. The awkward silence and frenzied changing of topics are also of little help.
Because, as Meghan says and therefore speaks from the hearts of many affected parents: “Losing a child means an almost unbearable pain that many feel, but of which only a few speak”.
American model Chrissy Teigen announced to her fans in early October that she had given birth to her third child, Jack, who was 20 weeks pregnant. The 34-year-old posted photos of the hospital on Instagram.
In addition to a lot of sympathy, Teigen also received criticism for the move. Ironically, the German tabloid “Bild,” to whom no other privacy is sacred and who goes to every corpse for a few clicks, criticized Teigen in a video comment: There are things that shouldn’t be shared for fame. The commentator was hypocritically indignant: “Terrible, a nightmare – no doubt, but: why do you stage such intimate moments on Instagram?”
Chrissy Teigen and her husband, on the other hand, consider publicly addressing their son’s death as part of dealing with the grief. She didn’t care if anyone was disgusted, Teigen later said in various media. He took the photos for himself and “for the people who need them”.
Michelle Obama, wife of the former American president, also suffered two abortions, as she writes in her biography. He felt he had failed because he didn’t know how common miscarriages were. “Nobody talks about it,” said the lawyer and mother of two daughters.
Meghan Markle, Chrissy Teigen and Michelle Obama share their experiences as part of personally dealing with grief, but also to give courage to others affected. According to her own statement, with her essay, Meghan wants to invite people to take care of each other, especially during the crown pandemic and Thanksgiving celebrations in the United States. Buckingham Palace declined to comment on the report. It’s a very personal matter, a spokesperson said.
Even when Queen Zara Tindall’s granddaughter lost her second child in the second trimester of her pregnancy in late 2016, the palace was covered. After all, Harry’s uncle Charles Spencer told ITV that everything was “very, very sad”.
British health experts, on the other hand, praised Meghan’s article: Miscarriages happen often but are still a taboo subject, said Christine Ekechi of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Open discussions on this topic are welcome.
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