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In MARCH this year, a week before the UK went into lockdown, I was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I’m 35, I have kids, and a busy job as an editor at a crowded news desk – and that blew me away.
I struggled with not having been diagnosed before, how I was supposed to “fix” myself and figure out what it really meant (all during a pandemic). But, six months later, I can now say that my life has literally changed. And it’s amazing.
For 35 years I have thought I was a bad person. But they are not. I’m just someone who was sick and didn’t have the support he needed.
:: A life of struggle
It is a common misconception that ADHD only affects children. For me, the signs were there from an early age, they just weren’t recognized. Growing up, I was told by the teachers and family that I was lazy and that I could achieve a lot more if I focused. As a result, I relentlessly beat myself up, developing the guiding mantra that I was a fucking lazy because I didn’t care enough about anyone.
For me, the “H” in ADHD was in my head. My brain was restless and focusing and doing homework was difficult. I could hyper-focus for 10 minutes and then get distracted. My eyes darted around, absorbing everything I could and processing huge reams of data and information.
:: Listening was a challenge
I could never understand how others could seemingly get by in life so easily, with the ability to listen with empathy and care. For the past decade or so, I have been working on this through verbal therapy (my GP had prescribed antidepressants for me and suggested that I try therapy about eight years ago, during a particularly difficult chapter). I love being empathetic towards people and recognizing the importance of being able to listen, but it was so exhausting. I would have a hard time maintaining concentration.
Life took on a pattern of excitement / frustration / exhaustion – I had nine jobs in 10 years – as I searched for anchors. I thought I needed endless adrenaline rushes with no consequences, so I built a career out of it.
I lost friends and hurt people emotionally along the way, because my brain was going too fast. I felt that I could use so much energy to stabilize and try to adapt, or I could act on the thoughts in my brain – get the adrenaline – but then face the consequences. “Life is only as serious as you make it,” I would say, without realizing or even considering the impact it might have on the other person.
After college, I started realizing that I could have formed closer relationships if I listened more, and I worked hard to try and do that. But it took immense effort and I felt a failure for not being able to do what the rest of the world could, apparently so easily.
:: Things finally make sense
At one point, I started thinking I might be on the autism spectrum, after reading many threads from people with ASD talking about their brain processing. Much seemed very familiar. I spoke to my family doctor. I was not diagnosed with autism, but just taking these interim steps allowed me to look at myself in a different light and begin to forgive myself for all “mistakes”. Now, being diagnosed with ADHD means things finally make sense.
Adrian Chiles was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) this year and recently spoke about how receiving treatment has changed his life. It was the same for me. I am doing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and started taking amphetamine drugs in June, which seems to me to get me on the same level as everyone else.
Since then, I have also lost two pounds of weight and stopped taking antidepressants for the first time in eight years. I’ve also embraced audiobooks – going from not reading books to gorging on 40 since March – and I’m finally slowing down.
I was convinced that I was bad and always thought, “If I do THIS”, everything will be fine. But it never was. Life takes time. Listening takes time and getting out of our heads and entering the room can be difficult and confrontational.
:: Looking at the future
Recently, I told my new big boss about my diagnosis, in front of a room of managers and editors. He told me I was brave. Colleagues called to “congratulate” me. It was the easiest thing I’ve ever done, and while it was difficult to write it down, if I feel comfortable enough telling the person I depend on financially, I can start talking about it to others as well. I am going to write more about this in a professional capacity and I want to use the new skills that I have been able to unlock for the first time in my life for the better.
I will not convince everyone that I have changed and past behaviors will always haunt me. The difference now is that I can choose how to go on and that’s amazing. I don’t need to test myself anymore. I’ve done it. I survived. I will fully enjoy life for the first time.
:: For more information on ADHD, see adhdfoundation.org.uk. If you are concerned about your mental health or think you have signs of ADHD, whatever your age, talk to your GP.
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